tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post1831645779562099118..comments2024-02-05T05:15:04.759-08:00Comments on Wandering Scientist: Scenes from a MarriageCloudhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09317847285050447789noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-28550272525154640382011-04-05T10:38:03.588-07:002011-04-05T10:38:03.588-07:00So glad you shared, @ Cloud. I always appreciate w...So glad you shared, @ Cloud. I always appreciate when people make the phrase "working on their marriage" so much more granular with specific examples like yours. <br /><br />@badmomgoodmom - Wow. Props to that health coach for the call out on the division of labor at home. Thank you for sharing that.hushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05532820460835325762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-25278159985976249572011-04-03T18:30:10.054-07:002011-04-03T18:30:10.054-07:00I agree with Anonymous (and will remain Anonymous ...I agree with Anonymous (and will remain Anonymous too). Explicit support for parental leave, rather than a no cost extension, on NSF postdoctoral fellowships would be great. If NSF is trying to encourage women to stay 'in the pipeline', being supportive of them and their families during their postdoc years is important.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-66907264599238055432011-03-31T15:27:50.402-07:002011-03-31T15:27:50.402-07:00With apologies for hijacking (apparently I need my...With apologies for hijacking (apparently I need my own blog)...<br /><br />@badmomgoodmom about the NSF and female scientist blogs: Is that really true?! That's amazing! Message to mysterious NSF reader: If you make parental leave an explicit part of your prestigious post-doc grants, then (1) everyone will be more confident that there's a single, fairly implemented policy; (2) early-career people won't have to stress about whether it will somehow hurt them to ask about parental leave policy before they accept the grant; and (3) university departments will likely follow suit with their own parental leave policies for post-docs.<br /><br />More on topic: Cloud, it's always enormously helpful to me to read your thoughts on marriage. My partner and I are just starting down that path and I'm trying hard to set the right precedents for a reasonable division of labor. The mundane details about chore arguments are not so boring when you're trying to figure out the same issues yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-20998682329620089842011-03-31T09:37:29.625-07:002011-03-31T09:37:29.625-07:00Not boring. Heartening actually. I actually get cr...Not boring. Heartening actually. I actually get cranky if I go more than a few days without being able to carve out space to catch up with the blogs I follow. I think it is a mental break of sorts - that watching tv or some other group activity just wouldn't give me. So I get it and props to you guys for accepting your differences and making room for them as best you can while your kids are so little and there just isn't much wiggle room.mom2boyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00784436196685595115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-45094842586478872232011-03-30T21:43:02.238-07:002011-03-30T21:43:02.238-07:00Thanks, everyone! I'm glad I didn't bore a...Thanks, everyone! I'm glad I didn't bore all of my readers to tears.<br /><br />@badmomgoodmom, that is the second comment I've read today in which a man thinks that his wife somehow enjoys housework. WTF? Does anyone actually enjoy housework- in the, "gee I'd rather do that than sit down and read a book" sort of way? Where on earth do they get this idea? <br /><br />And that sociologist at the NSF has an awesome job! Although, maybe it gets depressing reading the same problems from so many different sources.Cloudhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09317847285050447789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-9175069604900821322011-03-30T09:34:49.683-07:002011-03-30T09:34:49.683-07:00Thank you for sharing this. My DH and I fight so m...Thank you for sharing this. My DH and I fight so much more since we had DS because of the lack of sleep and stress that can bring. Since we both work, the arguments are usually about who is doing "more" or not, and I too have come to realize that it is mostly based on perspective and a good talk helps a lot. The problem, as you say, is finding the time to talk :)Momonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-35133749431639085412011-03-30T08:57:23.006-07:002011-03-30T08:57:23.006-07:00Remember when I was life-threateningly ill and my ...Remember when I was life-threateningly ill and my primary care sent me to a health coach?<br /><br />He asked to see me and DH together. He turned to DH and asked him, "Why are you trying to kill your wife?"<br /><br />It turned out that the bulk of the housework I was doing slipped below DH's radar and therefore did not count in his mind.<br /><br />Then he sputtered something about how I enjoyed housework so that it should count toward my hobby time instead of chore time.<br /><br />It was nice to have a neutral party there to adjudicate a new division of labor.<br /><br />We found out through a friend that NSF pays a sociologist to read the blogs (among other things) of female scientists to learn about the impediments in our careers. <br /><br />He told her that she should read me blog. She said that she already does. You're probably on her list, too. See, you need to blog to help her research, which in turn is to help our nation make full use of our analytic talent. It's your duty to blog for the national good.badmomgoodmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11569728075698885020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-46229410269005505592011-03-30T07:46:38.709-07:002011-03-30T07:46:38.709-07:00Keeping track of who is doing what work is actuall...Keeping track of who is doing what work is actually work. And it isn't work that you generally get credit for. My ex used to consider things like "organizing our social life" (aka inviting all his friends over and not letting me get any alone time) to be a major contribution and actively resented me doing things like cooking dinner because that resulted in him needing to wash the dishes.<br /><br />It is really hard to keep track of what work your partner is doing. The fact that you're both able to express yourselves and explain exactly what you're doing and why, and then accepting the other person's explanation is pretty great. <br /><br />Thanks for writing this, it is really fascinating to see how another relationship works. And I'm seeing a lot of parallels between what you're describing here and how my husband and I resolve issues - even though our approach is really different superficially.Today Wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03583682201977382593noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-40158350209005720642011-03-30T07:24:18.249-07:002011-03-30T07:24:18.249-07:00I'm glad you linked to the Moxie post and disc...I'm glad you linked to the Moxie post and discussed your own argument here. My husband and I had a particularly difficult weekend, and while we're nowhere close to divorce (heck, we've barely just married), I still needed to hear from other women that marriage is hard, and that we are not the only ones who get a little grumpy under stressful conditions.Autumnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14150617283056545848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29235839.post-3613942228804240152011-03-30T05:01:45.912-07:002011-03-30T05:01:45.912-07:00It can be really hard for non-creative types to ge...It can be really hard for non-creative types to get that need. In my marriage a similar big thing has been my DH's introversion. It gives me creative time but he still needs more, especially on weekends. I think the goodwill to make that step to believe it is a real need is essential. And goodwill is hard to find in the midst of stress.Shandrahttp://www.warriorqueenmom.comnoreply@blogger.com