The Universe Gives One Back

Thanks for all the nice comments on my last post. I guess there is some interest in the nitty-gritty details of how Hubby and I make our lives work. I may try to write some more posts about that sort of thing in the future- but I need to think a bit more about where I'll draw the line on what is OK to write about and what needs to stay private, and also about what sorts of details might be interesting/useful to others figuring similar things out and what sorts of details are dull and really specific to our own particular circumstances. But hey, you few people who are interested in this sort of thing, if you have specific questions, let me know. I'll see if I can answer them.

Anyway, as Monty Python would say... And now for something completely different: a short story about how sometimes the universe throws you a bone.

About three and a half years ago, when we moved into our current house, I lost a canvas bag. This was more annoying than you might think, because it was a bag that was a souvenir from our big trip- and we didn't bring that many souvenirs back from that trip, particularly when you think about the length of time we were gone and the number of places we visited. This particular bag was one of our few souvenirs from the Australian leg. We bought it in the Blue Mountains. I liked the colors, and the funky aboriginal-influenced design. And I liked how looking at it reminded me of that beautiful region of Australia, and the awesome hike we took there. I walked down something like 900 steps (this is not an exaggeration), hiked for an hour or so, had a gigantic fight with Hubby about whether or not we were lost (we were- I was right, and he later admitted that he was glad that I had made him turn back since if we'd kept on the path he insisted was the right one, we would have come out some 20 miles from our hotel), and then, having missed the last cable car ride back to the top, where our hotel was, walked back up those same 900 or so stairs. I love that I was once fit enough to do this. I love that we were able to bounce back from that gigantic fight as well as we did- neither of us held much of a grudge from it (despite the fact that my butt was really sore after walking up those 900 or so stairs), and it is not only just a funny story now, it was a funny story by the time we got to dinner that night. I love how much more we enjoyed watching the sunset over the three sisters after that trek. And the bag reminded me of all of that.

So anyway, I was sad to lose the bag. I was sure it was hiding somewhere in our house, and I kept looking for it, off and on.

Then, two days ago, while I was picking up Petunia's things at day care, I saw the bag. It had spent the last three and a half years living in the walking babies room at our day care, being used as a toy. They gladly returned it to me, and it is now back home, stored in with my other bags.

The best part is, I now know exactly what happened to it. We used it to carry extra clothes for Pumpkin in to day care, and left it there. It fell out of her cubby and got mixed up with their toys. And lived there, serving as a play purse to quite a bunch of little toddlers until one day, the universe decided that it was time for it to come home.

Scenes from a Marriage

I've decided not to write about all of the gory details of our big argument about chores, because frankly, they're sort of dull. But there was one part that is indicative of how easily things can go awry in a marriage, particularly when both partners are busy and expectations are made from assumptions instead of communication.  As I mentioned in my last post, reading the comments on Moxie's recent post how you know when a marriage is over made me think that there might be some value in writing about the arc of a disagreement in a healthy marriage (which I think Hubby and I have)- from inception through full-blown argument to resolution. Too often, we see a picture of a happy marriage as being one in which the partners never disagree, and that is about as realistic as the saccharine portrayals of a vision of motherhood composed of nothing but laughing babies and hugs from adorable toddlers.

Anyway, the argument started because Hubby was annoyed because I spend so much time blogging (when y'all could tell him that I clearly don't spend much time blogging at all, since I post so infrequently these days). I pointed out that he finds the time to watch at least 30 minutes of TV a few times a week, and that I thought that was about equivalent to my blogging time. Hubby responded that he only watches TV late, after I've gone to bed, while I blog while he's still up doing chores.

So I asked him why he thought I went to bed so early. He said that it was because I needed more sleep than he does.

This just floored me. He is right- I do need more sleep than he does. I think that left to our own devices, I'd sleep about 9 hours a night and he'd sleep about 7.5. The thing is, I don't get anything remotely close to the amount of sleep I "need". At the point at which we were having this argument, I hadn't had more than 5 hours sleep for the previous week. Petunia's been waking up a lot, and staying awake to party at least two or three times a week. We haven't figured out what to do about her 2 a.m. parties, but that's a topic for another blog post.

I pointed out the real reason that I go to bed so early, and Hubby had the grace and good sense to recognize that he'd lost the argument. Ironically, I was too tired to capitalize on my victory, though, so I stormed off to bed and the argument dribbled on for another couple of nights. Finally, a few nights later, we sat down with beers and really worked things out.

The details of the resolution don't really matter- they are as dull as the rest of the argument was. The important thing is that we finally made the time to really talk about the issues. I was amazed by how spectacularly differently we were thinking. He had completely discounted the middle of the night work I was doing (because sorry, anything that I have to do at 2 a.m. is work), whereas I was counting it double. No wonder we were grumping at each other. We could have let it fester. That would, in fact, have been the easy way out- we were both tired and busy and really, who wants to waste an evening talking about how we divide up chores? But nothing good would have come of ignoring the issue.

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I don't really know what the point of the above story is. Maybe just to say that this marriage and parenthood thing is hard. Hubby and I are both feeling overstretched. We're busy at work. We're planning Pumpkin's 4th birthday party. We're dealing with Petunia's health concerns (which, thankfully, seem to be turning out to be nothing worse than "she's prone to fevers", but finding that out has been a long road and we may yet have further to go on it) and the 18 month sleep regression. We're trying to figure out how to deal with the on again, off again issues Pumpkin is having with B at day care. And amongst all that, we're cooking dinner, cleaning the house, and fielding random things like the summons to jury duty I got last week (I'm postponing because I'm still breastfeeding, and not feeling the least bit bad about it- as far as I'm concerned, parents of children under the age of 5 should just get a free pass). Some weeks, we just have to look at each other and reaffirm our commitment to still be there for each other once this latest storm has passed.

Given all of this, I can understand why Hubby might look at me blogging, and wonder why I'm finding time for that, but not to sit on the sofa with him and watch some TV. There is the practical answer- that my computer is in the office next to Pumpkin's room, so I can easily pop up and turn over her pillow, find the Silly Bandz that she suddenly, urgently needs to have stored with the others, or whatever else she needs when she calls "Moommmeeeee!"

And then there is also the more accurate answer- that I need the outlet blogging provides. My new job is going well, and I really like it. But I think I have finally accepted that the skills I have that people will pay good money for are organizational more than creative. I love what I do for a living, but it is only part of what I need to do. At work and at home, I have a never-ending to do list, most of which revolves around what other people need. Blogging lets me express myself in something less structured than a project plan. Without it, I feel like a two-dimensional representation of myself. Somehow, in reducing pieces of my life to text, I regain my third dimension.

I've explained this to Hubby, and he tries hard to understand it. I don't think he fully succeeds in understanding, but he accepts it, and that is enough.

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Lest you think that Hubby always comes out on the losing end, I offer up the story of Petunia's bedtime music, which was also Pumpkin's bedtime music for a couple of years, until I replaced it in my (successful) attempt to create a routine that let me leave her room before she is asleep.

Hubby is not a fan of traditional lullabies, so he picked out a CD by Suzanne Vega to listen to while rocking/bouncing Pumpkin to sleep. When Petunia started needing more than just a nurse and a burp to go down for the night, he brought out the same CD. Which means that for the past three years, I have spent many, many nights rocking a baby to sleep while listening to this song:



Which is either awesome or horrifying, depending on how you look at it.

Weekend Reading: The Parenthood Edition

I didn't really mean to disappear this week, but life comes before blogging, so I did. We have reinstituted a  modified version of our chores schedule, and this was our week to clean. We have more time for chores in the evenings now, because we have started giving the girls their baths together, so while one parent is supervising the bath, the other can be doing chores. But on the other hand, on the nights when Petunia doesn't go down easily, the bedtime routines can consume a solid hour of at least one parent's time.

I think, though, that we'll be changing that chores schedule again soon, because, as a result of a week-long argument frank and open discussion about division of labor in our household, Hubby has finally given up compromised and is willing to have the cleaner come in twice a month. I've been debating whether to blog about that argument. On the one hand, why would anyone want to read about someone else's argument- and an argument about chores, to boot? On the other hand, reading some of the comments on Moxie's post this week about ending a marriage makes me think that maybe it would be interesting to write about what marriage is really like. I think Hubby and I have a very good, strong marriage. But that doesn't mean that it is all roses and buttercups here all the time. To be fair, though, the argument only went on for multiple days because we were too tired/busy to sit down and really discuss things in any one night.

Anyway. I do still have a few things to suggest you read this week. Here they are:

First up, this article in Slate about how children learn (sent to me by Bad Mom, Good Mom) was interesting, and made me feel better about the fact that I don't care whether or not the day care I have Pumpkin in spends much time teaching her things. They have a good set up for play, and that has always seemed more important to me at this age.

I started reading Hilahil's blog when I figured out that she was a fellow Moxie-reader in San Diego. She had a post up last week (which I only got to read this week because I've been so busy) with an amazing video about girls and being pretty. Go watch it. You'll be glad you did.

Finally, Anna Quindlen's post on the Motherlode was great, and just what I needed to read in the week in which I learned that my baby (my BABY) is about to move up to the 18 month old room at day care. You know, because she's 18 months old.

A Bunch of Unrelated Blather

Today was a day of near misses. I left for work quite late... but for some reason there was no line of cars at my on ramp this morning, so I got to work just a little bit late. I opened my lunch bag and discovered that I'd left the cream cheese for my bagel at home... but the company brought in lunch anyway. I got caught by a train on my way to day care and then Pumpkin dawdled while we were packing up to leave, making us quite late... but then there was a strange lack of traffic on the way home, and we got home on time.

I don't know whether it was a day of good luck or bad luck. I guess we'll see how long it takes to get Petunia down and judge from that. 30 minutes or less would definitely be good luck these days. We've definitely hit the 18 month sleep regression.

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Speaking of Petunia, I promised an update on all her tests. She does not have an immune deficiency- all of those tests came back normal. Her C reactive protein test indicated an infection, and her head x-ray showed some thickening of the sinus mucosa, so the doctor diagnosed a sinus infection. She's been on augmentin for a week and a half and has been fairly healthy the entire time. She and I both caught a pretty mild cold, but she never spiked a fever from it. After she finishes the full 14 day course of antibiotics, I have to take her back in for a follow up visit, which will include another blood test to confirm that the infection is gone. I'm dreading that, but I'm overall pretty relieved by the results of all the tests.

We also heard last week that she'll start "visiting" in the next room up at day care soon. The teacher ("Ms. T") in that room is just downright awesome. When we were thinking about pulling her out of day care and getting a nanny, one of the things stopping me was the thought that she wouldn't get to be in Ms. T's class. Yes, she is that good.

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Speaking of updates, you may or may not have noticed that my blog now has its very own domain- http://www.wandering-scientist.com. (The hyphen in the URL is there because someone else has the wanderingscientist.com domain, although he is not doing anything with it.)

I set up the domain because I have some ideas for things I'd like to do on this blog that Blogger won't support. So please, go ahead and update any bookmarks, etc. But don't strain yourself hurrying to do it, because at the rate I'm going through my to do list items since going back to work, I'll probably get to the blog redesign sometime in the summer of 2015.

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And now it is time to start our nightly "why won't our baby go to sleep" ritual. Wish me luck!

Zenbit: Juxtaposition

"Let's just stop by the Tang Dynasty on our way to the bathroom...."

(This picture was at a theme park/shopping complex thing that was actually pretty cool.)

Location: Macau, China

Date: March 30, 2006