Thank you all for your nice emails and comments on my last post. I almost didn't post it, because I was worried it would come off wrong... I'm glad I went ahead and pushed the "publish" button. If nothing else, I now know where to recruit when I get around to starting a company: right here!
I got one really nice email from a young woman in grad school, who is worrying about how she will put all of her puzzle pieces together. She wants kids, and she wants a career in biotech... and she wonders how it will all fit. She'd read my last post, along with my recent rants about work-life balance and having it all, but wanted to know more. I remember looking ahead and being afraid of trying to live the life I am happily living right now, so I decided that I'd answer her on my blog, rather than just via email, on the principle that if one person asked, maybe other people are wondering the same thing.
My first piece of advice is to stop worrying about future problems, and just work hard and do great science now. In other words, don't lean back ahead of time. Once you have kids, you can decide whether or not you want or need to ease up on your career, but whatever you decide, it will be easier to keep your career viable if you have a strong reputation built in your earlier years. Whether you keep working or take a break, that reputation will serve you well. I think that one reason I haven't suffered from much "working moms are slackers" bias in my own career is that I have a sterling reputation for productivity- and have maintained it. But we are also actively recruiting someone right now who is coming back after about 5 years off with young kids. We actually sought her out and asked her if she was ready to come back, on the basis of having been impressed with her work before she took the break.
My second piece of advice is to figure out how to be productive within a reasonable work week now. It is much, much easier to do this before you have the stereotype-inducing baggage of motherhood to contend with. Even if you end up not having kids, you'll probably want to have a life outside of work. And you'll be happier and more productive now. So it is an all-around winning proposition! Figure out what your work limit is. Figure out where your time goes when you are in the lab- chances are it isn't all to work. That's OK if that is how you want to manage your time right now, but an awareness of this will help you later.
My third piece of advice is to choose your partner carefully. Look for someone who will actually be a partner, i.e., pull his or her fair share of the work around the house, be a fully equal parent, and collaborate on solving logistics problems. Update: I was reminded in the comments that some mothers don't have partners, either by choice or circumstance. I am sorry- it shouldn't have taken a comment to remind me of that! But I obviously can't write about the logistics of making that work. I wrote a little more in the comments, and hopefully some single parents will weigh in, too.
The woman who wrote the email also asked if I would write a post with the details of how my husband and I make it all work. I've decided to do that, but with a certain amount of trepidation. First of all, I find it hard to believe that it will actually be interesting to read. If you agree with me, stop reading right now! I won't be offended. Second, I think it is too easy to read a post like this and think "well, I can't do XYZ like she does, so clearly I can't have kids and a career, too." But that is a mistake. The details of my life aren't actually very informative, because the details of every family's arrangements will be different, depending on the temperaments and sleep needs of the kids and the adults, the specifics of the jobs involved, the transport options in the city in which the family lives, etc., etc.
But she asked so nicely. Just ask my kids- I'm a sucker for a polite request! So here goes. Please don't read too much into the details, and remember- you are smart, and you will presumably find a smart partner. Together, you can probably solve the particular logistical problems your life poses once you have kids. Trust yourself.
The Base Weekday Schedule
My husband gets up at about 6:20 a.m., when the alarm goes off. Most days, I get up earlier (as early as 6 a.m.), when one or both of the kids wakes up. If the kids are "sleeping in," I get up at about 6:40, when my husband gets out of the shower. If Petunia's had a particularly bad night, I make my husband get up when she wakes up for the day, and I try to sleep a bit more until the alarm goes off.
We all eat breakfast. I check my email and then shower, make my lunch, and do my hair. I also help get the kids dressed and ready as makes sense- but the morning routine is primarily my husband's to run.
I leave the house between 7:40 and 8:00 a.m. The kids usually walk me to the car, carrying my purse and my lunch for me, then give me big hugs and kisses and wave goodbye. This is my second most favorite part of the day, second only to the big smiles and hugs I get when I pick them up from day care.
I drive to work, and get there between 8 and 8:30 a.m.
My husband finishes getting the kids ready, leaves the house between 8 and 8:30 a.m., drives the kids to day care, then drives to work, arriving between 8:30 and 9 a.m. (It turns out that the time you lose dropping the kids off is mostly compensated for by the fact that when they are in the car, you get to use the car pool lane on our freeway on ramp.)
We both work all day. I don't take a long lunch break most days, although I do occasionally meet a friend for lunch. I go for a 20-30 minute walk at lunchtime if my meeting schedule allows. I actually find that the walk helps me think problems through, so it can be a very productive thing to do. I usually manage a walk at least twice a week. If I have a meeting too close to lunchtime and can't walk, I usually still take a short break, by goofing off online while I eat.
I leave work between 4:30 and 4:45 p.m. and drive to day care. One of the bonuses of my current job is that it is only a 5-10 minute drive from day care. Unless it is raining, in which case it can take more than 30 minutes to get there. This closeness to day care is what gives me the wiggle room to leave a bit later sometimes. At my last job, I left by 4:30 without fail.
I drove home with the kids. We are home by 5:30 p.m. most days.
The kids watch TV or a DVD and eat a snack while I cook dinner. My husband leaves work between 5:15 and 5:30 and is home by 6 most nights. Dinner is served between 6 and 6:15 p.m., and we're done between 6:30 and 6:45 p.m. It isn't slow food, but I try to make healthy things.
One adult plays with the kids while the other clears the table and puts away any leftovers, then comes and joins in the play.
The kids have bath together at 7 p.m. My husband and I take turns giving the bath. Some nights, this is a pain, but a lot of nights it is a lot of fun. The kids usually play well together in the bath, especially if there are bubbles.
The kids have a snack at 7:30 p.m. Both adults usually hang out for that, but if one of us has a lot of work to do or just needs a break, the other will cover snack alone.
At about 8 p.m., Petunia goes to bed. One parent goes and handles that, and the other stays up and plays with Pumpkin, or, if feeling particularly wiped out, watches a show with her.
At about 8:30 p.m., Pumpkin goes to bed.
Both kids get 20-30 minutes of books before the lights go out. These days, Pumpkin reads to us for some of that most nights. Petunia still gets snuggled to sleep, which takes 15 minutes to over an hour, depending on whether or not we've offended the gods of toddler sleep (seriously- I have no idea what causes the variation). Pumpkin got snuggled to sleep until she was three, but now goes to sleep on her own after one story (I made up a story about a zebra trying to get all the other animals in the zoo to go to sleep, and have had to tell it every other night for years. Let this be a warning for you. If you make up a story, make it a good one! I rather like mine, but even so, I'm getting a little tired of it.)
We take turns getting the kids down- one night I do Petunia and my husband does Pumpkin, the next night we switch. Whoever finishes with their kid first does the dishes and sweeps.
Most nights, we're both done by 9:30. Then we work, do chores like paying bills, blog, watch TV, or do whatever else we want/need to do.
I go to bed between 10 and 10:30. My husband comes in later.
Petunia may or may not sleep through the night. Probably not. Usually, I go and resettle her when she wakes up, but sometimes she'll accept my husband instead. It is not uncommon for the adult who is resettling her to fall asleep in her bed and spend the rest of the night there.
Variations
On Tuesdays, my husband picks up the kids from day care. I leave work at my usual time, but come straight home and get a ~45 minute workout in before dinner, which is leftovers.
Every other Wednesday, we have a big "clean up" session to get the house
tidied up so that the cleaner who comes the next day can actually clean
it. The adults do most of the tidying, but we do get the kids to help pick up the toys.
On Thursdays, my husband has an early teleconference, which he takes from home. I take the kids in. We make a concerted effort to get me out the door by 7:50 a.m., and I get to work by about 8:30 a.m.
We both pick the kids up. Pumpkin goes to swim lessons with my husband. I bring Petunia home and attempt to do my workout DVD. She usually does not co-operate. I need a Yo Gabba Gabba workout DVD. (Seriously. They should make one. I suspect there is a reasonably large market for such a thing.) I usually get my workout in after dinner, while my husband gives the kids their bath.
Starting in a few weeks, on Fridays I will pick up the kids and go to a park near day care for soccer lessons for Pumpkin. Petunia will play at the playground during the lesson. My husband joins us about halfway through the lesson, and then we all go out to dinner at a nearby small food court (our choices are Daphne's Greek or a local BBQ chain) and are home by bath time. Last summer and fall, we did this on Tuesday nights.
When a kid gets sick, one of us picks her up and takes her home and the other one finishes the day before picking up the other kid. We choose who has to leave work based on our work schedules- basically, who has a meeting that can't be missed or who has the deadline coming up first. We also roughly take turns. I call my Mom (who is retired), and if she can, she flies over from Phoenix to stay with the sick kid the next day or two. If she can't, my husband and I take turns, or split the days (one works morning, the other works afternoon), and we try to work from home as much as the sick kid and the rest of our schedule will allow.
Weekends
On Friday nights, after the kids are in bed and the dishes are done, my husband and I crack open some beers and sit down and plan our weekend. One of us writes a list of things to do, which includes chores, any work we need to do, and at least one fun thing for the kids. Once our weekend to do list is written, we chat or watch a show- usually a British mystery, because that is one type of show we both like.
I try to sleep in (until the decadent hour of 7:30) on the weekends, to help compensate for the fact that I am the one who gets up in the middle of the night most nights. When Petunia starts sleeping through the night, we'll probably each get to sleep in (or stay in bed reading for an hour or so) one day.
On Saturdays, we do laundry. We complicate this by hanging the majority of it up on a clothesline and just finishing it briefly in the dryer. Using the fancy retractable clothesline he made his parents lug over from New Zealand at one point makes my husband happy, and the kids love to help (hand us clothes pins), so even though this saves us at most $1/month, I figure it is time well spent. Also, it seems criminal to waste all that San Diego sunshine. Anyway, my husband usually does more of the work around laundry than I do.
Every other Saturday, Pumpkin has a 45 minute Chinese lesson after lunch. One of the adults takes this with her. I can count to ten, and know a bunch of colors and fruit in Chinese now.
On Sundays, my husband goes for a run in the morning. I write the menu plan and grocery list, and then in the afternoon, one of us (usually me) goes to the grocery store. We tried getting groceries delivered, but didn't find it to be a big help, so we dropped that.
My husband cooks dinner on the weekends. He usually makes enough for leftovers at least one of the two nights. We often have my sister over for dinner one of the two nights. We also have the usual mix of play dates, birthday parties, family outings, trips to the park, visits with friends, and other fun things mixed in with the chores.
Petunia still takes a two hour nap after lunch. Pumpkin has "quiet time" (usually TV time, but sometimes coloring or reading time) during this time. I work, blog, or read. Sometimes, I take Petunia for a walk for the first hour or so of her nap- she's sort of outgrowing this, though. Maybe eventually, I'll go out for a run instead. My husband works or does chores (usually yard work) during naptime. Sometimes, one of the adults is really tired from the night before, and naps with Petunia.
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So there you have it- our logistical plan in all its boring detail. We got lucky on a few details- we both work in the same part of town, for instance. My mother is retired and willing to come over and babysit sick kids. We also made one very good decision, which we didn't really recognize at the time we were making it: we chose to buy a smaller, more expensive house closer to work, rather than a larger, cheaper house further away. This means our commute is only 15 minutes without traffic, 30-40 minutes in heavy traffic. This really makes our lives easier. We also choose to do a lot of our shopping online, which may or may not increase the cost, but spares us from needing to take frequent trips to a big box store. We go to Costco for diapers, beer, and cereal once every couple of months. We go to Trader Joes for their various yummy foods and cheap wine about once a month. We take the occasional Target trip. Otherwise, we buy almost everything we need online or at our grocery store.
Like I said- I wouldn't read too much into the details of how we've worked things out. Think of this as a worked example problem. The problem on the test will be different, but applying the same general principles will probably lead to a solution.
Feel free to leave your own tips and tricks in the comments, or ask questions if the detail above wasn't enough for you.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
On Ambition and Motherhood
I am an ambitious person. I always have been. Having kids has not
changed that- although perhaps it has changed the shape of my ambition.
Before I had kids, the path I was taking to fulfill my ambition seemed obvious. I was working in my chosen field, and I was aiming to continue to advance in that field, hoping perhaps to achieve some level of visibility in the field at large. I didn't want to be world famous, but locally famous in my chosen field sounded nice.
Now, I find that my ambition has changed. I do not know whether or not this is a direct consequence of having kids. I find that I often need to remind myself that my life would have changed with time even if I hadn't had kids. It is not my kids' fault that I am getting old, so perhaps they are also not to blame for my more cynical outlook on my current field and my general weariness with the counter-productive rules by which most of the corporate world operates.
Whatever the cause, my ambition in my current field has shrunk. I no longer feel any urgency to advance to the next level- perhaps because that would just be the next rung up in middle management, and I have seen enough of middle management to know that it is a largely thankless role. Essential, but thankless. My current specialization does not lend itself to becoming a CEO of a biotech company, and while I am not sure I'd want to run a biotech, I am increasingly convinced that I'd like to run something.
Yes, I want to run a company- something that never crossed my mind ten years ago. So my ambition has also grown. I am no longer particularly interested in telling other people in my little field anything about that field, but I find that there are things I want to tell a much wider audience, and things I want to prove to the world at large. And there are still problems I see that I would like to help solve, they are just in different areas. I am, however, still ambivalent about the idea of general fame, perhaps because the world seems so ready to tear down women who succeed at anything other than being beautiful. In particular, the world seems to want to dissect successful women's mothering, and the thought of that just makes my heart hurt, for myself and for my children.
So motherhood is, in that sense, holding back my ambition. But in another sense, it is informing it, because if I examine my motivation for much of what I want to do, I find that one of my strongest motivating factors is that I want to make the world a better place for my children, and if I can't solve the problems in time for them, then maybe I can at least make some progress in time for their children. For one thing, I am pretty sure that the only way to shut up the petty jerks who snipe at mothers who try to achieve things outside the home is to just get out there and prove them wrong, and it sure would be nice if my daughters didn't have to think about this at all when they are contemplating what to do with their lives.
Besides, the fact that the world includes some petty jerks doesn't seem like a very good reason to stifle my ambition, so I continue to feel my way towards acting on it. I've had similar thoughts for awhile- I think this is part of what motivated the "life reorg" I undertook a while ago, although I fell victim to a real reorg before I could complete it. But I haven't really figured out what to do with my ambition, and how to make it fit with my desire to keep making enough money to enable our comfortable lifestyle. I guess in that sense, my attachment to our house and the occasional nice vacation is holding back my ambition, too.
I have the beginnings of a five year plan forming in my head, but it is not yet concrete enough to write down, and I'm certainly not ready to commit to it. However, I suspect it might do me some good to write down those of my various ambitions that motivate me most strongly, without trying to reconcile them with each other or the rest of my goals for my life. So here they are:
And I pace myself. My kids are still young enough to rightfully draw huge amounts of time and energy from me. I do not reliably sleep through the night yet, because Petunia does not. Both kids can still have an almost physical need for me and my attention that I do not think should be denied- rationed, maybe, but not denied. None of this detracts from my ambition, but it does impact the timing. I take a long view on my career. I am turning 40 this year. Even if I retire at the "usual" age, I have twenty-five more years to work. It has not yet been twenty-five years since I graduated from college, let alone graduate school. None of us really knows how much time we have to accomplish our goals, but I have no reason to think that I do not have plenty.
So I can afford to take it slow. Perhaps, if I did not have kids, I would accomplish in two or three years what I am currently hoping to accomplish in five. But so what? It seems unlikely that someone else is going to come along and accomplish the things on my list ahead of me- and if they did, I should rightfully cheer, because the world would be a better place for it, and I could find different problems to tackle.
Perhaps a purist would argue that I am sacrificing my ambition to my kids, but it does not seem that way to me. It would be easy to blame them for the fact that I am squeezing work on my nascent five year plan in around the edges of my life, but that would be unfair. If I wanted to do so, I could arrange my life such that I could pursue my ambitions with at least 40 hours per week right now. But that would require drastic changes to my life, which I do not want to take. Right now, the biggest impediment to my ambitions is money- I like having it. The only part of that I can lay at my children's feet is the fact that their day care is one of our major expenses. But in some countries, it wouldn't be. In some countries, preschool is a collective expense. So is the fact that so much of our income needs to go to day care an impediment to my ambition thrown up by motherhood, or by the society in which I happen to live?
-------------------------------------------
Back in November, I wrote a post about being a feminist mother, which included some lines that really resonated with a lot of people:
"Somehow, the space in my life expanded to accommodate the demands of motherhood without crowding out the essence of me. I cannot explain it. During my first year of motherhood, I was sure it was not possible, that I was in fact being subsumed into this new mommy person. But I came out the other side wanting both to devote myself to my kids and to pursue my own goals with full vigor.
Perhaps that is the essence of what it is to be a feminist mother- the realization that your own goals can coexist with your love and absolute devotion to your children. Motherhood can grow your life rather than contracting it."
Those words are still very much true for me. In the comments, feMOMhist asked how I made the space in my life expand to accommodate motherhood without crowding out "me." I didn't know the answer then, and this post was my attempt to explore that a bit.
Unfortunately, I still don't really know the answer.
Perhaps the key is the fact that my ambition has always stemmed from a desire to leave the world a little better than I found it. Having kids has provided a few extra challenges, but also given me extra motivation in that regard.
Or perhaps the key is that my particular ambitions do not feel time limited, so I can absorb a slightly slower pace while my children are young.
And perhaps it is just something about me. Living any way other than the way I'm living right now would not feel like I was being true to myself. I do not need my career to go faster, and but I do not want it to go slower. I do not want less time with my kids, but I also don't feel the need to have more. My life can be chaotic and frustrating at times, but it is just right for me.
I suspect that it is a combination of those things, which makes my answer deeply unhelpful to other women, looking for the answer in their own lives. Or maybe it doesn't, because another way to look at my answer is this: listen to your wants and desires- all of them. Be realistic about what the alternative options really are. And then shuffle everything you want around like puzzle pieces until you find the arrangement that makes a pretty picture. It might not be the picture you thought you were creating ten years ago, but it is probably the only one that you can make with the pieces you have right now.
Don't worry about the fact that other people's puzzles look different from yours. They have different pieces. And stop worrying whether or not you have the right picture. If you've used all your pieces, chances are, you do.
---------------------------------------------
What about you? Are you ambitious? Has your ambition changed with time and/or life circumstances? What do you want to tell (or show) the world?
Before I had kids, the path I was taking to fulfill my ambition seemed obvious. I was working in my chosen field, and I was aiming to continue to advance in that field, hoping perhaps to achieve some level of visibility in the field at large. I didn't want to be world famous, but locally famous in my chosen field sounded nice.
Now, I find that my ambition has changed. I do not know whether or not this is a direct consequence of having kids. I find that I often need to remind myself that my life would have changed with time even if I hadn't had kids. It is not my kids' fault that I am getting old, so perhaps they are also not to blame for my more cynical outlook on my current field and my general weariness with the counter-productive rules by which most of the corporate world operates.
Whatever the cause, my ambition in my current field has shrunk. I no longer feel any urgency to advance to the next level- perhaps because that would just be the next rung up in middle management, and I have seen enough of middle management to know that it is a largely thankless role. Essential, but thankless. My current specialization does not lend itself to becoming a CEO of a biotech company, and while I am not sure I'd want to run a biotech, I am increasingly convinced that I'd like to run something.
Yes, I want to run a company- something that never crossed my mind ten years ago. So my ambition has also grown. I am no longer particularly interested in telling other people in my little field anything about that field, but I find that there are things I want to tell a much wider audience, and things I want to prove to the world at large. And there are still problems I see that I would like to help solve, they are just in different areas. I am, however, still ambivalent about the idea of general fame, perhaps because the world seems so ready to tear down women who succeed at anything other than being beautiful. In particular, the world seems to want to dissect successful women's mothering, and the thought of that just makes my heart hurt, for myself and for my children.
So motherhood is, in that sense, holding back my ambition. But in another sense, it is informing it, because if I examine my motivation for much of what I want to do, I find that one of my strongest motivating factors is that I want to make the world a better place for my children, and if I can't solve the problems in time for them, then maybe I can at least make some progress in time for their children. For one thing, I am pretty sure that the only way to shut up the petty jerks who snipe at mothers who try to achieve things outside the home is to just get out there and prove them wrong, and it sure would be nice if my daughters didn't have to think about this at all when they are contemplating what to do with their lives.
Besides, the fact that the world includes some petty jerks doesn't seem like a very good reason to stifle my ambition, so I continue to feel my way towards acting on it. I've had similar thoughts for awhile- I think this is part of what motivated the "life reorg" I undertook a while ago, although I fell victim to a real reorg before I could complete it. But I haven't really figured out what to do with my ambition, and how to make it fit with my desire to keep making enough money to enable our comfortable lifestyle. I guess in that sense, my attachment to our house and the occasional nice vacation is holding back my ambition, too.
I have the beginnings of a five year plan forming in my head, but it is not yet concrete enough to write down, and I'm certainly not ready to commit to it. However, I suspect it might do me some good to write down those of my various ambitions that motivate me most strongly, without trying to reconcile them with each other or the rest of my goals for my life. So here they are:
- Convince more people (a lot more people) that long hours at work do not equal productivity. Basically, I want to spread the message about how people have a work limit, and lure more people away from the false promise of spending stupidly long hours working. As I continue managing projects in yet another company, I am more convinced than ever that pushing people past their work limits just extends project timelines, as productivity plummets. I think that the idea that you will get more done by simply work longer hours is a myth, and one that causes a lot of misery.
- Prove that you can build a successful company that makes useful and/or cool products without sacrificing your life to it, or forcing your employees to sacrifice theirs. This is closely intertwined with my desire to be the boss of a company. It may, in fact, be the root cause of that desire. I haven't fully analyzed that. I do realize that this is not a particularly sound foundation for a company. I have some ideas about things my company could do, but since I am adamant about the idea that no one should have to sacrifice the other aspects of their life in the pursuit of those ideas, I would not pursue venture funding for them even if I were well-connected enough to be able to easily go about that. Venture capitalists have drunk the "if you work longer hours, you will produce more things" kool-aid, and I want none of that. I very explicitly want to prove that there is another way. (Incidentally, I am not the only one who thinks this- look at this post from the guys at 37signals, who are also apparently building their company around this idea.)
- Work to ensure that every child gets the chance to fulfill his or her full potential. This is an absolutely huge goal, with many, many facets, and I am in no way egotistical enough to think I can achieve all of it. Or even a tiny part of it, really. But I would like to make a noticeable contribution in this area. Which is completely unrelated to anything else I've ever done. I'm still thinking about how I might achieve this. So far, all I do is donate money to people I think are doing good work in the area. I would like to do more, at some point.
And I pace myself. My kids are still young enough to rightfully draw huge amounts of time and energy from me. I do not reliably sleep through the night yet, because Petunia does not. Both kids can still have an almost physical need for me and my attention that I do not think should be denied- rationed, maybe, but not denied. None of this detracts from my ambition, but it does impact the timing. I take a long view on my career. I am turning 40 this year. Even if I retire at the "usual" age, I have twenty-five more years to work. It has not yet been twenty-five years since I graduated from college, let alone graduate school. None of us really knows how much time we have to accomplish our goals, but I have no reason to think that I do not have plenty.
So I can afford to take it slow. Perhaps, if I did not have kids, I would accomplish in two or three years what I am currently hoping to accomplish in five. But so what? It seems unlikely that someone else is going to come along and accomplish the things on my list ahead of me- and if they did, I should rightfully cheer, because the world would be a better place for it, and I could find different problems to tackle.
Perhaps a purist would argue that I am sacrificing my ambition to my kids, but it does not seem that way to me. It would be easy to blame them for the fact that I am squeezing work on my nascent five year plan in around the edges of my life, but that would be unfair. If I wanted to do so, I could arrange my life such that I could pursue my ambitions with at least 40 hours per week right now. But that would require drastic changes to my life, which I do not want to take. Right now, the biggest impediment to my ambitions is money- I like having it. The only part of that I can lay at my children's feet is the fact that their day care is one of our major expenses. But in some countries, it wouldn't be. In some countries, preschool is a collective expense. So is the fact that so much of our income needs to go to day care an impediment to my ambition thrown up by motherhood, or by the society in which I happen to live?
-------------------------------------------
Back in November, I wrote a post about being a feminist mother, which included some lines that really resonated with a lot of people:
"Somehow, the space in my life expanded to accommodate the demands of motherhood without crowding out the essence of me. I cannot explain it. During my first year of motherhood, I was sure it was not possible, that I was in fact being subsumed into this new mommy person. But I came out the other side wanting both to devote myself to my kids and to pursue my own goals with full vigor.
Perhaps that is the essence of what it is to be a feminist mother- the realization that your own goals can coexist with your love and absolute devotion to your children. Motherhood can grow your life rather than contracting it."
Those words are still very much true for me. In the comments, feMOMhist asked how I made the space in my life expand to accommodate motherhood without crowding out "me." I didn't know the answer then, and this post was my attempt to explore that a bit.
Unfortunately, I still don't really know the answer.
Perhaps the key is the fact that my ambition has always stemmed from a desire to leave the world a little better than I found it. Having kids has provided a few extra challenges, but also given me extra motivation in that regard.
Or perhaps the key is that my particular ambitions do not feel time limited, so I can absorb a slightly slower pace while my children are young.
And perhaps it is just something about me. Living any way other than the way I'm living right now would not feel like I was being true to myself. I do not need my career to go faster, and but I do not want it to go slower. I do not want less time with my kids, but I also don't feel the need to have more. My life can be chaotic and frustrating at times, but it is just right for me.
I suspect that it is a combination of those things, which makes my answer deeply unhelpful to other women, looking for the answer in their own lives. Or maybe it doesn't, because another way to look at my answer is this: listen to your wants and desires- all of them. Be realistic about what the alternative options really are. And then shuffle everything you want around like puzzle pieces until you find the arrangement that makes a pretty picture. It might not be the picture you thought you were creating ten years ago, but it is probably the only one that you can make with the pieces you have right now.
Don't worry about the fact that other people's puzzles look different from yours. They have different pieces. And stop worrying whether or not you have the right picture. If you've used all your pieces, chances are, you do.
---------------------------------------------
What about you? Are you ambitious? Has your ambition changed with time and/or life circumstances? What do you want to tell (or show) the world?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Toys to Promote Skills: Gender Neutral Edition
Last week, I wrote a guest post for Mommy Shorts about pink, purple, and princess toys that still promote important skills for future math and science success. The great toys featured in that post aren't the only toys we have that promote those skills, though. Pumpkin loves pink, purple, and princesses, but she has always been interested in other, toys, too. I thought I'd follow up the "girl toys" post with a list of some of our favorite "gender neutral" toys that promote skills that set kids up for future success in math and science.
1. Blocks. Lots and lots of blocks.
As I wrote in that guest post, building toys are great for stretching spatial reasoning skills, and also for instilling a love and "feel" for building things. Everyone knows about LEGO and Duplo, and we have lots of that. But there is more to building toys than LEGO.
We started both kids on blocks early. Petunia, though, has benefited from some things we figured out a bit late with Pumpkin- namely, that a kid's motor skills have a big impact on how well building things goes. Therefore, Petunia has had a wider range of blocks than Pumpkin did, as we looked for blocks that she could use from an early age.
Petunia was able to build with the Fisher-Price Little People Builders Stack 'n Learn Alphabet Blocks
much, much earlier than she could build with Duplo. The downside is that she outgrew the blocks by the time she was two. These are definitely for young toddlers.
The big Megabloks
were another type of block Petunia mastered before she could handle Duplo. They've also had more staying power. Petunia and Pumpkin both still play with these, and will also build with these blocks together, which is pretty cool to watch. Until Petunia knocks over Pumpkin's tower, or they both want the same piece at the same time....
Nesting blocks are also really good for toddlers. One day, you'll look over and see that your "baby" has figured out how to stack them properly, and you'll realize she's starting to figure out some basic things about the size of objects. Lots of companies make blocks like this. We have a set of sturdy cardboard ABC Building Blocks
, which we got second hand when Pumpkin was about two and have not destroyed yet.
Both of my kids really love playing blocks with the pieces from the Zimbbos
game.
I'm sure the game is fun to play, too, but we've never tried it. The blocks are explicitly intended to use for building pyramids, including inverted pyramids, so they are great building toys.
2. Take Apart Toys
Taking something apart and putting it back together is a great way to practice spatial skills and logic. Our favorite toy in this category is the Battat Take Apart Airplane
It comes with a little "drill" to use on the big plastic screws that hold it together. Pumpkin and Petunia both like playing with it. Petunia definitely needs some help reassembling it, but she can mostly disassemble it on her own.
3. Puzzles
Pumpkin took to puzzles early and without much effort on our part. Petunia has been slower to show an interest, and we definitely had to work a bit more at it. We put in the effort, though, because puzzles are great toys for spatial reasoning and logic skills. Petunia first warmed up to puzzles wiht the Melissa & Doug Pets Sound Puzzle
.
She also really liked the mix-and-match puzzles from Melissa and Doug, Fish Colors Mix N Match Peg Puzzle
. She will still stop and "fix" the puzzle if someone puts the fishes back together the "wrong" way- i.e., not matching. Incidentally, we had bought that puzzle for Pumpkin, back when she had outgrown the simple peg puzzles but wasn't quite ready for a jigsaw puzzle.
Petunia hasn't transitioned directly to small jigsaw puzzles the way Pumpkin did, but she really enjoys doing floor puzzles with a grown up right now. Her favorite is this jungle numbers floor puzzle
.
Pumpkin still really likes puzzles. She has also started to enjoy tangrams. My mom brought some over for her once, and since they were leftover from her years as a teacher, they were probably similar to these.
We'll have to get some for her soon.
4. Logic Games
I've got nothing against Candyland (although I will confess to being fairly bored with it after playing it roughly 4237 times since Pumpkin got it), but I love games that stretch logic skills. Our favorite in this department is the Gobblet Gobblers
game we bought Pumpkin for Christmas.
It is like three-dimensional tic-tac-toe. It is easy enough for a four year old, but challenging enough that the adults sometimes actually lose. And it is fun!
Do you have any other games/toys to suggest? Add them in the comments!
1. Blocks. Lots and lots of blocks.
As I wrote in that guest post, building toys are great for stretching spatial reasoning skills, and also for instilling a love and "feel" for building things. Everyone knows about LEGO and Duplo, and we have lots of that. But there is more to building toys than LEGO.
We started both kids on blocks early. Petunia, though, has benefited from some things we figured out a bit late with Pumpkin- namely, that a kid's motor skills have a big impact on how well building things goes. Therefore, Petunia has had a wider range of blocks than Pumpkin did, as we looked for blocks that she could use from an early age.
Petunia was able to build with the Fisher-Price Little People Builders Stack 'n Learn Alphabet Blocks
much, much earlier than she could build with Duplo. The downside is that she outgrew the blocks by the time she was two. These are definitely for young toddlers.The big Megabloks
were another type of block Petunia mastered before she could handle Duplo. They've also had more staying power. Petunia and Pumpkin both still play with these, and will also build with these blocks together, which is pretty cool to watch. Until Petunia knocks over Pumpkin's tower, or they both want the same piece at the same time....Nesting blocks are also really good for toddlers. One day, you'll look over and see that your "baby" has figured out how to stack them properly, and you'll realize she's starting to figure out some basic things about the size of objects. Lots of companies make blocks like this. We have a set of sturdy cardboard ABC Building Blocks
, which we got second hand when Pumpkin was about two and have not destroyed yet.Both of my kids really love playing blocks with the pieces from the Zimbbos
game.I'm sure the game is fun to play, too, but we've never tried it. The blocks are explicitly intended to use for building pyramids, including inverted pyramids, so they are great building toys.
2. Take Apart Toys
Taking something apart and putting it back together is a great way to practice spatial skills and logic. Our favorite toy in this category is the Battat Take Apart Airplane
It comes with a little "drill" to use on the big plastic screws that hold it together. Pumpkin and Petunia both like playing with it. Petunia definitely needs some help reassembling it, but she can mostly disassemble it on her own.
3. Puzzles
Pumpkin took to puzzles early and without much effort on our part. Petunia has been slower to show an interest, and we definitely had to work a bit more at it. We put in the effort, though, because puzzles are great toys for spatial reasoning and logic skills. Petunia first warmed up to puzzles wiht the Melissa & Doug Pets Sound Puzzle
.. She will still stop and "fix" the puzzle if someone puts the fishes back together the "wrong" way- i.e., not matching. Incidentally, we had bought that puzzle for Pumpkin, back when she had outgrown the simple peg puzzles but wasn't quite ready for a jigsaw puzzle.Petunia hasn't transitioned directly to small jigsaw puzzles the way Pumpkin did, but she really enjoys doing floor puzzles with a grown up right now. Her favorite is this jungle numbers floor puzzle
. We'll have to get some for her soon.4. Logic Games
I've got nothing against Candyland (although I will confess to being fairly bored with it after playing it roughly 4237 times since Pumpkin got it), but I love games that stretch logic skills. Our favorite in this department is the Gobblet Gobblers
game we bought Pumpkin for Christmas.It is like three-dimensional tic-tac-toe. It is easy enough for a four year old, but challenging enough that the adults sometimes actually lose. And it is fun!
Do you have any other games/toys to suggest? Add them in the comments!
Quotable: Myth Outcompetes Fact
"In the absence of of facts, myth rushes, in the kudzu of history."
- Stacy Schiff, in Cleopatra: A Life
Honestly, I think that sometimes, even when the facts are available, myth wins out.
- Stacy Schiff, in Cleopatra: A Life
Honestly, I think that sometimes, even when the facts are available, myth wins out.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Weekend Reading: The Funny Things Edition
It has been a pretty busy week at work, culminating in a really full day today... so I think I'll post a bunch of funny things. I know that I could use a laugh, at least.
First up, a post from Antropologa, an American living in Sweden, with a memory of the hilarity that ensues when you try to speak a foreign language and ask for things that weren't in the textbook. I laugh out loud every time I read this post.
This Cracked post about the most baffling things about women's clothing is funny because it is true. I would add: you have to try on every pair of pants you buy, because two pair of pants in the same size and style but different colors might fit differently. I have a pair of black pinstripe pants that I do not wear, because I bought them based solely on the fact that I had just tried on a pair of theoretically identical grey pants that fit great. MISTAKE. I have been too lazy to take them back, so I guess they will just hang in my closet as a silent reminder to always try everything on.
If you, like me, live with a font geek, this xkcd cartoon will make you laugh out loud.
Amazon sells a purple unicorn castle T-shirt. A lot of guys apparently really like it. Maybe I should get one for my "unicorn" husband.
Here are the rules for modern movie posters.
My husband found this video of Vanilla Ice going Indie Rock:
And of course, don't forget to drop by Mommy Shorts and read my guest post about pink, purple, and princess toys that still encourage development of spatial reasoning and math skills. It isn't funny, but a lot of the other things on her site are (I particularly like her Parenting Charts), so I'm going to stretch the rules and include it here.
First up, a post from Antropologa, an American living in Sweden, with a memory of the hilarity that ensues when you try to speak a foreign language and ask for things that weren't in the textbook. I laugh out loud every time I read this post.
This Cracked post about the most baffling things about women's clothing is funny because it is true. I would add: you have to try on every pair of pants you buy, because two pair of pants in the same size and style but different colors might fit differently. I have a pair of black pinstripe pants that I do not wear, because I bought them based solely on the fact that I had just tried on a pair of theoretically identical grey pants that fit great. MISTAKE. I have been too lazy to take them back, so I guess they will just hang in my closet as a silent reminder to always try everything on.
If you, like me, live with a font geek, this xkcd cartoon will make you laugh out loud.
Amazon sells a purple unicorn castle T-shirt. A lot of guys apparently really like it. Maybe I should get one for my "unicorn" husband.
Here are the rules for modern movie posters.
My husband found this video of Vanilla Ice going Indie Rock:
And of course, don't forget to drop by Mommy Shorts and read my guest post about pink, purple, and princess toys that still encourage development of spatial reasoning and math skills. It isn't funny, but a lot of the other things on her site are (I particularly like her Parenting Charts), so I'm going to stretch the rules and include it here.
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