This post may be unnecessarily cranky. My asthma is acting up, so I have the irritable feeling I get when I'm not breathing well. And yes, I'm taking my meds this time. Petunia's had a fever for the past few days, and I suspect I'm fighting off whatever that was, and it is messing with my lungs.
So anyway, you've been warned about the crankiness.
I do not think, however, that the underlying feelings I'm about to discuss are due to the irritable, not breathing well thing, because I've been feeling this way for awhile. I'm just choosing now to rant about it because of the irritable, not breathing well thing.
I'm feeling boxed in. And boy, do I hate it. Turns out, I really do just want to be closer to free.
First of all, there are a bunch of things about my current workplace that leave me feeling unable to be the kind of manager I'd like to be. I keep trying to remove the constraints so that I can solve my management problems (or just keep new problems from cropping up), and I keep running into roadblocks. This is annoying me greatly. I take management seriously. I care about it. I want to do it well. I think it is important to do it well- bad management causes so much unhappiness in people's lives, and I think being happy* is one of the most important things in life. I am starting to think that I have chosen my industry poorly in this regard, but that is a rant for another day. For now, let's just say that biotech tends to glorify "scientific genius" and gloss over the ability to actually manage a team to get shit done.
Second of all, I'd like to change how I live my life. Maybe spend more time on my projects. Maybe spend more time in Auckland. Maybe write more. Maybe travel more. Definitely spend less time going to work to feel constrained into doing a shitty job at management. I can almost see how to get there, but not quite. I've got too many other constraints on my life right now, and I haven't figured out which are real, which are imagined, which can be maneuvered around, which are absolutely non-negotiable. The end result, is I feel trapped. I hate feeling trapped. I am fighting the urge to gnaw my own arm off to get untrapped, because I'm pretty sure that would be counter-productive. (Gnawing my own arm off in this context would be doing something like rage-quitting my job, which while annoying in parts (see point 1, above), is quite good in other parts and pays a significant portion of our bills.)
Third, I am completely, utterly done with the way the world wants to put me in a box. Am I a scientist? Or a techie? Or a writer? Or a mother? Or a website builder? Or.... Damn it, I'm all those things and more, and I don't see why I should have to choose. Sorry it is messing with your organizational scheme, world. You should have designed the schema better. As any good database designer can tell you, there are really only three numbers: zero, one and many. People are many-dimensional. Deal with it.
How free are you feeling these days? Are you a "gnaw your own arm off to escape captivity" person?
*Or at least content. My definition of "happy" doesn't necessarily mean "giggling deliriously." Happy to me means enjoying life as best as your circumstances will allow. This post may help explain. Or it may not.