Letters Update

Thank you to everyone who had suggestions for where to get large magnetic letters. Julie's comment led me to what I wanted on Amazon, but their shipping time was longer than I wanted. But then I thought- "Duh! I should go to a teaching supply store." Which is what I did on Saturday. Pumpkin is thrilled with her new letters. And also with the new book and CD I bought. All I can say is that teaching supply stores are dangerous places for mothers fighting off colds and looking for things to keep active little toddlers occupied with minimal adult energy expenditure required. I narrowly escaped without purchasing a new puzzle, which I'm sure Pumpkin would also love but wouldn't have been necessary since the ones she already has are still occupying her just fine.

I think these shots of our newly decorated fridge should explain why the Leap Frog letters wouldn't work for us (although several of Pumpkin's friends have them and love them):


She likes to arrange her magnets by letter and by color. The girl needs to categorize things, and line them up. She's less particular about which direction the letters point. (In her defense, she has been learning new letters. She has added A and M to the letters she can recognize.)

Feeling Fragile

One of my weirdest pregnancy symptoms is an increased feeling of fragility. I am much more aware of risks, and much more likely to think about risks so insignificant that they're rather silly (e.g., the risk of a car crashing through my bedroom window while we sleep). The feeling is not overwhelming or all-encompassing. One part of my brain comes up with these implausible scenarios, and another part is raising its eyebrows, saying "Really? We're going to worry about this?"

I noticed the fragile feeling the first time around, and thought that perhaps this was just a part of becoming a parent- suddenly, my life seems more important because there is a small, vulnerable other life depending on me. The feeling persisted a bit after I gave birth, even expanded to include the fragility of my new baby, but then it faded away to more normal parent worries.

I'd mostly forgotten the odd fragile feeling until it came roaring back at about month 4 or 5 of this pregnancy. This makes me think that the feeling is related to hormone levels and not just the knowledge of impending life changes. This is really annoying (it is not a fun feeling) but also very interesting. I wonder if anyone is looking at the impact of hormones on anxiety disorders? I think (but am not sure and certainly don't have the reference to back this up) that women are more likely to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder than men. Could it be the impact of our hormones? If so, does the fact that I experience a specialized increase in anxiety give any clues about which hormones are to blame? I wonder if there is anything in this that would help find new treatments for people who suffer from these disorders?

Some times I really miss being more involved in exploratory research. There was a time in my life (even in my post-grad school working life) when I could easily have justified spending a work afternoon seeing what the literature said about all of this.

The Little Things

I was going to write a post about how am finding this pregnancy much harder than the first one (yeah, it isn't all sweetness and light here). I've never really gotten my energy back, although I do now find it possible to get off the sofa in the evenings. I haven't really found the right combination of meals and snacks to keep me feeling good. I'm feeling guilty for not pausing to enjoy the little kicks and punches that baby #2 is throwing- its like this baby is already playing second fiddle, even while still in the womb. Hubby is chaffing a bit under the strain of having to do even more around the house than he was doing before, and we're struggling to find our new routines even as we both know that it is only going to get harder when baby #2 is born. It is not that this pregnancy is more difficult in any large way, it is that the little inconveniences of pregnancy are harder to deal with this time around.

But I'm finding that I don't really have as much to say about this topic as I thought I did. Its hard. So what? Every time I listen to the news on NPR or read the Economist or even my local news website, I'm reminded of how good I have it. It seems churlish to complain. So instead, I'll share the thing that brightened my otherwise annoying work day today: an email from Modest Needs telling me that an application I'd contributed some money to a couple of months ago had been funded. A single mother in Florida had gotten her rent money. I hope it helps her get her grounding.

The email came in just before I closed up for the day. I left to pick up Pumpkin at day care feeling better than my flagging energy levels would have indicated. And to top it off, one of Pumpkin's friends came in as we were getting ready to leave, short-circuiting the "play with the magnetic letters" session that Pumpkin was getting started and getting us out the door and into our car in time to miss the worst of the evening traffic.

Pumpkin is really enjoying letters right now. She knows W, O, U, and H. She enjoys seeing traffic signs, because they have the "ABCDEFGs" on them. She particularly likes "One Way" signs, because W is her favorite letter. I clearly need to get her some magnetic letters for the refrigerator at home. I'm not having much luck finding big ones that are safe for kids under 3, though. Anyone know where I can find these? Preferably online? Pumpkin's not putting that many things in her mouth anymore, but I really like the idea of something that might keep her occupied without causing any worry while I cook dinner.

Zenbit: Canyon

Location: Waimea Canyon, Kaua'i, Hawai'i
Date: December 28, 2008

Happy

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm happy. Or more specifically, why I'm happy with my life when so many other people I know don't seem to be. We're all above the income level at which research indicates money stops to be a primary reason for unhappiness- at about $50,000/year, apparently, you're as happy as you'll be at $1 million/year. Once you get past the point where you're no longer worrying about how you're going to pay for the necessities and can afford a few niceties, more money doesn't make you happier. Or at least that's what the research I remember reading says- unfortunately, I can't dig up the article right now, it has been buried in Google under a bunch of articles about more recent research showing that giving money away makes you happy. (Interestingly, I also found some articles about research showing that a feeling of financial insecurity can make you unhappy regardless of your income level... there's definitely more to think about there).

And then an uproar broke out in the momosphere about whether or not work-at-home moms have it easier than work-outside-the-home moms, with a little bit of "hey, being a stay-at-home mom is no piece of cake, either." (You can see some of the posts on this topic here and here.) My opinion on this is that what works for one woman and her family may be an utter disaster for another woman and her family and that all of these momming options have their pluses and minuses. The trick is to figure out which one has the right combinatin of pluses and minuses for YOU and then ignore the rest of the world as it tells you that your choice is either irretrievably damaging your child(ren) or undermining the cause of women's equality. I'd say that parenthood in general is no cake walk, but I think of my single and/or childless friends (and my own pre-child life), and I have to ammend that to say that life is no cake walk. Everyone has problems, and there is no way to live your life and guarantee that it will be problem-free.

As I was reading the comments on the various blog posts in the latest round of the WAHM vs WOHM vs SAHM argument, I was struck by how many mothers sound genuinely miserable and even bitter about their lives. Sure, there was a lot of venting and some oneupmanship, but there was also a lot of genuine pain. I'd read what the WOHMs wrote and think that their lives didn't sound that different from mine. So why am I happy when they clearly are not?

It also made me think back to graduate school, and the ongoing discussions about why there aren't more women in science. One of the reasons often put forward is that it is so difficult to comine a career in science with motherhood. In graduate school, I believed that reason, and in fact was spooked by it. I seriously considered changing careers or deciding not to have kids. Now that I am in fact combining a career in science with motherhood, I have to say, it is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. It is not perfect, and there are certainly changes in policy and attitudes that would make it easier, but Hubby and I are managing just fine. However, I know that there are women who would read that last sentance and wonder what planet I live on. Why is there such a difference?

I've pondered on this for awhile. I don't think I have the answers, but I have some ideas. Here are the five main reasons I think I'm content when so many others are not:

1. I had genuine choices
I actually could have chosen to be a SAHM or a WAHM. We did not buy our house until Pumpkin was about 4 months old. Before we bought the house, our finances would have allowed me to be a SAHM (or Hubby to be a SAHD). It was abundantly clear to me by the time we bought the house that I was not meant to be a SAHM. I have never felt so incompetent at a job in my life. I have to assume I would have gotten better at it, but even now, an entire day alone with Pumpkin leaves me utterly exhausted and with a nagging feeling that I am not doing enough fun and enriching activities with her. I have nothing but respect for SAHMs, but it is not a job that plays to my strengths, to say the least.

The job I went back to would have allowed me to work from home. I chose to go into the office. I was never able to get much done when I was trying to work and care for the baby at the same time. I just don't multitask that well, I guess. And given Pumpkin's poor sleep habits, if I did manage to get her to nap without my constant help (as opposed to with me holding her, bouncing her in her bouncy chair, or pushing her in her stroller) and there was a bed RIGHT THERE, I was going to sleep in it, not do work. Therefore, the only way I could have worked from home was to send Pumpkin to day care. Once I did that, I didn't see much advantage to working from home, and I liked how it was easier to define work time and home time if I went to the office.

So for me, being a WOHM is the right decision, and I have the experiences to make me really confident in that decision. Actually, of all the decisions that made me a WOHM, the one I made with the least information was the decision to be a mom. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I chose to stop taking those pills! But I wouldn't change that decision for anything. I love being a mom.

2. I have money
My job pays well enough that I can afford excellent day care. Once I got over the initial weirdness of leaving Pumpkin with strangers, I've never had reason to worry about how she spends her day. She is absolutely thriving at day care. And the workers there aren't strangers anymore. Not all working moms get to have this peace of mind, which I think is a sad statement on our society.

I also have enough money to pay a housecleaning service and to pay for other little conveniences that make the working parent juggle a little bit easier. Believe me, I know what a big difference this makes- it took me ages to convince Hubby to get the cleaners, and I am still amazed at what a difference having them makes.

3. I have an equal partner at home
Hubby and I have always split the household chores fairly evenly, and he is a fully involved parent. He does chores because they need to be done, not because he is "helping". He takes care of Pumpkin as much as I do. It is just a given that he will sometimes stay home with Pumpkin when she is sick. Best of all- he thinks that it is obvious that this is how it should be. We still manage to squabble over the division of household labor, but those squabbles start from an assumption that we should both be doing our equal share. I can't imagine being a working mother without a partner like this.

4. We have a great extended support network.
My mom (who is retired) will fly over to provide back up day care if Pumpkin is sick. This is wonderful, because it helps us have some actual vacation days as opposed to nothing but sick days. My parents also come over to give us a chance to catch up on our to do list and to give us weekends away. My sister lives in town, and will babysit for us and also just come over and help entertain Pumpkin if we're needing it. We have a wonderful group of friends who will watch Pumpkin for us, too. And on top of all that- most of the teachers at Pumpkin's day care will babysit. Pumpkin has had some teachers that she really loves. It is wonderful to walk out the door for a night out leaving her with someone she is so happy to be with.

5. I've been very lucky with my jobs/bosses
I got what I asked for in terms of my maternity leave and part time arrangement on my return. No one ever questioned the time I spent pumping. Although one of my younger coworkers teases me about how he could set his watch by the time I get up and leave for the day, he is just joking. No one who matters has ever questioned my dedication to my work. I have received two excellent performance reviews and raises since becoming a working mother. I don't think this is because I am some sort of superwoman- I have certainly had my share of fuzzy, sleep-deprived days. I manage to continue meeting expectations at work, and I have had bosses who have been reasonable in setting those expectations and have not been looking for examples of how I've dropped the ball since becoming a mother.

When I think back to the stories I heard in grad school about how hard it would be to combine career and motherhood, I now think that most of the problems that were raised were really plain old-fashioned sexism masquerading as something less offensive. I have certainly run into sexism in my career, but I have been lucky in that the most egregious instances happened earlier in my career, before I had a family that could be used as an excuse to attack me. I fervently hope my good fortune continues on this front.

None of this is to say that my life is perfect, or that I don't think there are some policies in the U.S. that desperately need changing. I'd like to write another post about that, but it will have to wait for another time. I'd also like to write a post about what I'd tell the "grad school me" who was so freaked out about how hard it would be to combine my chosen career and motherhood. I know that "it will all work out" would not have comforted me back then, and I'd like to write more about the decisions I made and some of the things I do that have helped make it all work out. That will also have to wait for another time. If I get around to writing those posts, I'll come back and put links to them here.
--------
Update: I did finally write one post with my thoughts about how I keep my work week to roughly 40 hours.