My kids started school yesterday. Somehow, I am the mother of a first grader and a fourth grader. The first grader wanted me to wait next to her in line until the teacher led them off to their class, but she ignored me and talked to her friends. The fourth grader started ignoring me as soon as she kissed me good-bye and ran off to talk to her friends. They are both so big and grown up looking these days. The first grader still likes to snuggle, though, and the fourth grader still wants to tell me everything.
I am happy that they are happy to be in school. We still have a lot of summer left here, and I'm looking forward to some future beach trips.
I'm still struggling with focus. Maybe it is because it is still a bit too warm in my office most afternoons? I'm starting to suspect we'll need to install air conditioning in order for me to get through the hot flashes that are in my future. I hate this, but maybe we can also install solar panels and that will make me feel better about it.
But probably the heat isn't the cause of my lack of focus. I've started to think that I am in the period of entrepreneurship that is similar to the 3rd year slump I experienced in graduate school. I describe that slump as having been caused by being far enough into the tunnel that I couldn't see the light of where I'd come from but not far enough through the tunnel to see the light at the end. It isn't quite the same now, but maybe my problem is that I'm far enough into this little entrepreneurship experiment to know that I really, really want to make it work in the long term, but not far enough in yet to have solid evidence that it will work in the long term.
If this is correct, then I need to remind myself of how much I've figured out already, and maybe review and perhaps update my medium term plans for growing my business.
Or maybe I'm just tired. I've had some time off from parts of my responsibilities recently, but haven't taken a day to just do whatever I please for a long, long time. I used to at least take a half day to myself every few months. I'd thought that since my kids are older and less obviously demanding of my energy and since my work is less emotionally draining these days that I didn't need those half days. But maybe I do.
If this is correct, then I just need to take a day off work and not spend it with my kids.
Or maybe the tired goes deeper than that. The last few years have involved working through a lot of things. How I view myself and my goals and my place in this world have all changed, but maybe I haven't really gotten comfortable with where I am now. I'm acknowledging the way my career didn't go as planned, and acknowledging some of the varied reasons for that, and that is really uncomfortable, and is leaving some raw edges that I keep accidentally bumping up against, which then causes trivial little things to bother me more than they should. And that has made it hard to relax and enjoy where I'm at now.
If this is correct, I should probably figure out my insurance and find a therapist to help me get through this work as fast as I can. Or maybe I just need to take more long walks on the beach. Those help a lot, too.
Probably, I should do all of these things. But right now, I have to go make dinner. Surely, I can at least focus on that.
Tell me what you think I should do in the comments, if you want. I don't promise to take your advice, but I always like reading it.