The Hidden Cost of Acceptance

I'm not really into politics. I have my opinions, and some of them are actually pretty strong. I always vote, and I try very hard to make sure my vote is an educated one. But I don't enjoy the game of politics, so I mostly tune out during election season. I hate the point-scoring and spin and all that nonsense- I am not so naive as to not understand why it happens, but it frustrates me, because it all seems to stand in the way of what I really want, which is for our leaders to come together and have rational discussions, grounded in facts and our best understanding of likely outcomes, with a goal of actually solving problems.

Given all that, it is no surprise that I didn't watch either convention, and I haven't even gone and watched the recorded version of any of the speeches. I did, however, read the text of several of them. I find that I have been thinking a lot about Ann Romney's speech, and specifically the way she seemed to just accept- embrace even-  the inequalities women still face. This didn't really surprise me- she was hardly going to get up and deliver a feminist call to arms. Whatever she actually thinks, that would torpedo her husband's chances of election. But still. Like a lot of the commentary I've seen on her speech, I am frustrated by this almost retro acceptance of sexism as being just the way things are.

I couldn't really explain why I was so frustrated, given my incredibly low expectations for the speech, but recent events at work have helped me figure it out. I am frustrated because she seemed to be shrugging her shoulders and trivializing the extra work I have to do in comparison to my male colleagues. She seemed to be saying, "Yeah, things aren't really fair, but oh well! We're strong and we can handle it, so it is no big deal. Don't make a fuss."

And well, I don't generally make a fuss, primarily because doing so would actually decrease my chances of achieving the things I want to achieve. I know there are women who face far bigger problems than I do. But damn it, the extra weight around my ankles is a big deal.

The events at work that are rankling on me right now are, on their own, pretty trivial. I do not want to give specifics here, but the broad outlines are this: there is a guy who is not treating me with the respect my experience and demonstrated expertise (and his relative lack of experience and expertise) in a particular area warrant. It is a subtle thing, but noticeable, and I am certainly not the only one who has noticed it. In this particular case, I will "win," but I find the experience wearying. Is this problem a gender thing? Or a generational thing (I'm about 10 years older than he is)? Or is he just an ass? It is hard to say.

And that's the thing. In any one case, it is usually hard to say. But these experiences add up over the course of a career, and they wear you down. Where my male colleagues are just walking along a path, I'm walking along wearing those stupid ankle weights that were popular in the 80s. Sure, I've adjusted, and I've done really well. But damn, I'm tired.

Worse than that, these little insults accumulate in the dark corners of my consciousness, and are there to poke at me when I'm having a rough day. Because I can't point at them and definitively say "that was sexism!" it is far too easy to fall into thinking that they happen because I am less competent or knowledgeable than others. They make it easier to get discouraged, and convince myself that I'm not making a difference, that my work isn't important, and that maybe I should throw in the towel and go do something else.

So here I am, solidly mid-career in a pretty good career, but feeling restless. Feeling like maybe this thing I'm doing isn't the best use of my time, because I seem to always be swallowing some possible insult, or pushing past some obstacle that may or may not be there for women only. Maybe those obstacles are real, and maybe they're going to keep me from realizing my goals in this field. I've got other ideas, other things I could devote my energy to. Maybe I should pursue those.

But I know all about imposter syndrome, and I know that there is nothing I am interested in doing that won't be touched by sexism- in fact there are a lot of people who say that mothers can't do the other things I'm interested in, either. So maybe I am just looking over at a different path and imaging that I wouldn't have ankle weights on if I were over there, but in fact, if I went over there, I'd discover that the ankle weights women wear on that path are 10 lb weights instead of 3. So maybe I should stay here and keep walking. Maybe the summit is just around the corner.

The view I would have missed

Many years ago, before we had kids, Mr. Snarky and I hiked San Jacinto with a friend. We took the tram from Palm Springs up to its station, and then hiked the rest of the way. I was fitter than I was now, so this was not as crazy as it would be if I did it now. But it is still a pretty intense hike for an occasional hiker. At one point, after hiking for several hours, I stopped. I said I would not go any further. Mr. Snarky shoved cookies into me and pointed out that the summit was literally right around the corner and I could make it. And I did, and I'm glad I did. I'm afraid that the feeling I have now is like the feeling I had on that hike- I am low on energy, and I don't want to go any further, but if I turn back now I'll miss out on an awesome summit.

So I don't know what I should do. I am fortunate to be in the position to have this internal debate, but it isn't without cost. It isn't no big deal. It isn't something we should shrug away and just accept. I don't know how to change it and make those ankle weights go away, but I'm pretty sure that giving speeches where you almost revel in it isn't the way.

Kindergarten Progress Report

I have a couple of serious posts half-written in my drafts folder, but I feel like writing something happier today. So I'm going to give you a progress report on how we're all doing with the transition to Kindergarten. The short version is: we're doing well.

Everyone was excited on the first day of school last week. Pumpkin could hardly wait to put her backpack on and head out to school. She insisted I take this picture, showing her backpack:

She also decided to get he hair cut shorter right before school started. She looks so big now!

Petunia was excited, too, and insisted on putting on her "pa-pack" and walking along with Pumpkin- she didn't want to get in the stroller for over a block.

First block of the first day walk. Not sure why it looks like I'm running. I wasn't!

We deposited Pumpkin in her spot in line on the playground. I hung out next to her for awhile, and watched as she met the two girls on either side of her in the line. Then I gave her a big hug and retreated to the sidelines to watch the scene and blink back tears until it was time for the kids to go into their classrooms.

I left work early that day, excited to go hear about Pumpkin's day. She had done great. She didn't seem too concerned by the fact that she couldn't understand everything the teacher said. For the most part, that has continued, although Sunday night during bath she said she wished she went to a school where the teacher spoke English. We talked a bit about why we're going to this school, and she moved on to other subjects. Yesterday, she was excited to go to school, just like usual.

She brought home her first stack of worked papers yesterday, and she is doing well with the writing practice, coloring, and basic numbers work- which isn't surprising, because she knows her numbers well and likes to write and color. There are several papers with Spanish words on them, which we'll practice at home, both to help her and because we want to learn Spanish along with her as much as we can. I've also put "listen and learn" Spanish CDs in both cars, and now spend my morning commutes repeating Spanish words rather than listening to news or music. I spend my afternoon commutes listening to whatever music Petunia picks out.

Petunia has had no problem adjusting to going to day care without Pumpkin. She got a new teacher at about the same time as Pumpkin started school. The previous teacher in her room had left to go care for her elderly mother. Petunia has really taken to her new teacher, who has lots of interesting new activities for the kids. I am more determined than ever that we should keep Petunia in this day care, even when my company moves to new offices in a less convenient location. I have a lot of thinking to do about how we'll make that happen and how I'll respond to the upcoming office move, but the move is at least a year away, so I can postpone that for now.

Mr. Snarky and I are probably the ones struggling the most with the transition. The school's schedules things at mildly inappropriate times- a back to school picnic by the bay started at 4:30. We left work early and got there at 5:30. The open house night, which will be our only chance to talk to Pumpkin's teacher in English*, starts at 5:30, which will also require leaving work a little early. Having talked to our coworkers with older kids, though, we feel fortunate- a lot of schools start things like this at wildly inappropriate times for working families.

We're slowly finding new routines. It turns out that picking just Petunia up from day care is much faster than picking both girls up was. I haven't really been able to pinpoint why, but the net result is that I think I can still get home in time to make dinner at the usual time, even with the double pick up. The double drop off is harder, and the morning commute for the parent doing drop off now takes at least 45 minutes, sometimes an hour. Mr. Snarky is getting up 15 minutes earlier, and we're all working hard to get him out the door by 7:45, so that he can be in his office for his 8:45 morning meeting. I am trying not to schedule anything before 9:30 on Thursdays, which is the day I have to do drop off.

The hardest thing, though, has been absorbing the extra chores into our evenings. The paperwork from school will stop soon, I hope. But I'm now packing a lunch and snack for Pumpkin everyday. I do as much as I can during evening snack the night before, and then make the sandwich in the morning. Pumpkin likes butter, strawberry jam, and gouda cheese in a pita pocket, and that doesn't really keep well overnight in the fridge. It took quite a bit of effort this summer to find a combination that was acceptable to her, though, so mostly I'm just happy that I have a reasonably healthy lunch I can pack for her. I've signed up for the system that lets her buy lunches some days, but so far, she hasn't wanted to try it.

So all in all, the transition is going well. Pumpkin is happy at her new school and learning Spanish. Petunia is still happy at day care, even without her big sister there. Mr. Snarky and I are figuring out the new routines, and hanging in OK.

And now I had better go get started on that new morning routine. How has back to school gone for you?

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*All the teachers are fully bilingual, but the K-2 teachers do not speak English in front of the kids- this helps with the immersion program.

Weekend Reading: The Perfectly Described Edition

Well, we've all survived the first week of Kindergarten. I will undoubtedly have more to say about the transition to Kindergarten soon. I may even decide to post an update to my logistics detail post. But we are still settling into our new routine. It is too soon to write about it. And besides, I'm fairly drained from this week- the transition went well (really well, even), but transitions are hard and a little bit stressful. So, I'll give you this week's links, instead. They are all posts that I think perfectly capture some experience or emotion.

First up, Antropologa has an awesome post on being an expat and expressing yourself in a foreign language. I've never lived for long in a country in which English is not the native language, but I have spent enough time for this post to really resonate.

Next, Julie at A Little Pregnant perfectly captures the desperation and despair of having a low sleep needs kid. My kids aren't as low sleep needs as her Charlie, but I have felt what she describes.

Staying on motherhood topics, AskMoxie had a beautiful post about how motherhood is a relationship not a job- and how you can be great at the relationship even if you don't love all the jobs. Or even if you don't do all the jobs.

The next post captures another aspect of parenthood- or peoplehood, really: the realization of how important health insurance is. I don't often get political here, and by linking to this post I'm not saying that I think the Obama administration's health reform was the only way to approach this problem, or even the best way. But I am saying that I think this problem needed to be tackled. It really, really did- both because having something as random as a bug bite have the power to wipe out a family's savings is just wrong, and because the fear of this is keeping a lot of people I know from striking out on their own and trying to create their own businesses, and that strikes me as wrong, too.

Finally, I came across a post that took me back to my college years, being a young woman riding public transit and just wanting to be left alone... but not getting that. And the calculations you make in your mind as you try to figure out the best, safest response to a situation, and how heartily tired you get of it, and how angry you get, but how you know that expressing that anger is NOT the best, safest response. Honestly, the fact that this sort of crap almost never happens to me now is one of the consolations of aging.

And on that sort of sour note... happy weekend! Leave me any good links you've found in the comments.

Enjoying the Long Days

As I mentioned in my last weekend reading post, I took Friday off for a special day with Pumpkin, who is starting Kindergarten tomorrow. We had her Kindergarten orientation at 1 p.m. and had told my sister we'd drop her at the airport at about 8:30, but other than that, we had nothing specific to do.

After dropping my sister at the airport, we headed to one of Pumpkin's favorite parks, down by Mission Bay. It is a little out of the way for us, so we don't get there often- which makes a visit to that park a treat. Pumpkin played for about an hour, and then she said she was hungry, so we drove to a nearby coffee shop and split a gigantic cookie.

Not pictured: Me carrying her to the plane so she wouldn't get sand in her shoes.

Next, we went to our local toy store, because I'd promised her we could go and pick out a special toy. She'd been talking for days about how she was going to get a Barbie. Sure enough, she headed straight to the Barbie section and spent ages looking at all the options before she settled on one. But then, as we headed to the Lego section (to buy a gift for a birthday party we had this weekend), she saw the bike baskets, and remembered that she really wanted a new basket like she'd seen on one of her friend's bikes. To my surprise, she decided to put her Barbie back, and picked out a Barbie basket for her bike instead. It came with tassels, which was a huge bonus.

The upgraded bike

We went home and installed the new basket and tassels, then took the bike for a short ride. Then we had lunch and rested until it was time for orientation.

After orientation, we had a few school supplies to go buy, and Pumpkin really wanted to go find some flip flops without a strap, too. Luckily, there is an office supply store in Pacific Beach, the beach neighborhood nearest to us. So we went to that store to get our supplies, and then went down to the tourist shops near the beach to find the flip flops. We found a pair, and then it was snack time again, so we walked to a nearby convenience store and bought a fruit and cereal bar, some crackers, and some strawberry milk and had snack on a bench looking out at the ocean.

My California girl.

Before we knew it, it was time to head home. We'd had a great special day. I couldn't believe that the little baby who'd turned my world upside down five and a half years ago was so big, and so ready for kindergarten. I thought of the saying "the days are long but the years are short," which had struck me as so unbelievably profound when I first came across it as a parent, but I have now seen so many places that I almost roll my eyes when I come across it.

This weekend, though, I'm living that saying. The shortness of the years is hard to miss, with Pumpkin getting ready to start Kindergarten.  But the days are still long- Petunia woke me up in the middle of the night two of the last three nights, both kids threw a massive fit when Mr. Snarky* tried to give them their bath, I've tripped over and put away the same pair of shoes three times this weekend (the kids keep getting them out to play with them).

I've been trying lately to look past the hard parts more, and enjoy the long days. Back in June, we made a list of fun things to do this summer, and we hit five of the eight things on the list, plus several other fun things that we hadn't thought to list. My favorite item on that list is probably "eat outside more," because it has led to some really delightful evenings, where Mr. Snarky and I sit in our plastic Adirondack chairs and watch the girls run around the yard and play. We had two of those just this weekend, although one did end in the aforementioned fit about bathtime.

Perhaps because of this intention to look past the hard parts and enjoy the long days, parts of the parenthood chapter of Gretchen Rubin's new book Happier at Home** really resonated with me. One of her resolutions for the month in which she focused on parenthood was to "go on Wednesday adventures" with her oldest daughter. She picked her daughter up for school and then went on an outing. She and her daughter alternated weeks choosing the destination, and the only hard and fast rule was that they had to be home by six.

I really like the idea of having special outings with the kids- both individually and together, However, my job is not quite as flexible as Gretchen's, so a weekly outing is out of the question. Instead, I'm toying with the idea of leaving early once per month. One month, I could do an outing with Pumpkin, the next with Petunia, and then maybe a family outing. And finally I could do something for me. We'd cycle through each of these things three times per year. I know it is possible, because we've done two such family outings this summer- once to go to the county fair and once to go to the Zoo at Night. I do not have a writer's level of flexibility in my job, but I have the ability to take off early now and then. Once per month is infrequent enough that no one would be likely to notice, let alone comment. I can catch up on work at home. As Gretchen points out in her book, that flexibility does me no good if I don't take advantage of it.

Still... I'm not sure I'll end up doing this. There is a guilt factor to get past, but I think I could squash any guilt by tracking my time and demonstrating to myself that I am not, in fact, slacking. The problem is more that I'm feeling terribly overloaded already, both with the changes to our routine that kindergarten will bring and with far too many projects to juggle at work. Balls are starting to drop both at home and at work. Today, we went to a birthday party for one of Pumpkin's old day care classmates. It was at an indoor bouncy place. We drove to the one we've gone to several times before for other parties, only to discover that this particular party was at the company's other site, about 15-20 minutes away. Oops. That information was in the invite. There was even a map on the web page I visited this morning to print out a waiver to sign. I just didn't check. I was doing too many things at once, with several other things queued up in my mind.

We made it to the party about 30 minutes late. The kids had plenty of time to jump. At least four other families made the same mistake. But it is not the sort of mistake I usually make. I know that it is a symptom of the larger problem I've been feeling, of having too many things to keep active in my short term memory. My usual processes aren't keeping up, and I haven't been able to find new processes that work better. I want to enjoy these days, but even fun outings with my kids won't add to my enjoyment if they come at the price of my sanity. So I'll stay on the fence about this for awhile more, until I see how we settle into our new routine and whether I'm able to find someone to hire to help me better distribute the load at work. The years may be fast, but I think I can spare a month or two.

We'll keep eating outside, though, and maybe that is enough for now.

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 *Typing out "my husband" every time bores me. I asked him if he'd rather be called "Hubby" or "Mr. Cloud" and he said he wanted to be "Tubby." He is in much better shape than I am, so I refuse to call him that. Given the penchant for snark that the above comment exemplifies, I've decided Mr. Snarky is the most appropriate name for him.

**Gretchen sent me a free advance copy of the book. There were no strings attached, and there was no compensation beyond the free book. As always, any opinions I express about the book are my true opinions. I may or may not write a full review of the book, but my usual book review policy applies, anyway.

Surprisingly Profound Kid's Art: Camping in Space

That's our tent, surrounded by stars and shooting stars.

Camping in Space
Artist: Pumpkin, age 5