Sunday, February 21, 2016

A Lesson Against Second-Guessing

This morning, I admitted defeat. I admitted I needed to go get a breathing treatment and prednisone. I'd waited just a bit too long to acknowledge this, and no longer felt like I should drive myself down to urgent care, so I waited for Mr. Snarky to get back from his morning errands, and had him drive me. This, of course, meant the kids had to come, too.

The closest urgent care in our health group network is down near Balboa Park, so Mr. Snarky and the kids took a soccer ball and spent some time playing. I spent a lot of time waiting. This, of course, gave me lots of time to second guess my decision to go to urgent care.

Once I finally saw the doctor, it was clear I'd made the right decision. She took one listen to my lungs, and said "you know what I'm going to tell you, don't you?"

Yes, I said. I knew. I was going to get the devil pills. She laughed at my name for prednisone, but told me that every asthmatic she sees feels the same way. I hate those pills. They make me jittery and give me an "amped up" feeling that makes it hard to sleep. And I think I'm shorter-tempered when I'm taking prednisone.

But... after one dose of prednisone and a breathing treatment, I can breathe easily again. I still have the cough that is the trailing end of this cold, but I'm not going into minute long coughing fits that leave me gasping for breath. I'm not having such strong coughing fits that they leave my head aching and make my chest feel like it will explode.

So, hooray for prednisone, I guess.

And let's pause for a minute and applaud the advances in drug formulation and delivery mechanism that mean my choice for maintenance meds to control my asthma extends beyond oral steroids, which is all asthmatics in my parent's generation had. I, on the other hand, have a choice of inhaled steroids and other medicines, which mean that I can usually keep my asthma under control without suffering through the side effects of prednisone.

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Now that I can breathe again, I find myself going back to how long it took me to go get the treatment I needed, and how I was second guessing that decision even as I sat in the exam room, waiting for the doctor.

There are probably a lot of things going on with that. I'm not going to work through it all, but I am going to take it as a sign for me to start trusting myself more. Because, lately, I've been second-guessing myself a lot.

I'm far enough removed from the things that made me decide to quit my full-time job and embark on a new path that it is easy to tell myself things weren't that bad, and to start thinking that I didn't need to take such drastic steps. But things were bad, and I did exactly what I needed to do to keep myself healthy, just like I did today.

I need to trust myself in that decision.

This new path isn't easy, but it is far healthier for me. Whether or not I ultimately succeed in building the business I am trying to build, leaving that old situation and believing in myself enough to at least try to reach for what I really want was absolutely the right thing to do, because it was what let me breathe again.

And really, hooray for breathing.

3 comments:

  1. My mother had asthma, but her episodes were not all that common. Still, she would resist using her inhaler, even when we'd urge her to. I think she thought she might get addicted to it, but considering that she used it a few times a year, I don't think that concern was actually all that valid. But we did like her to keep breathing.

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  2. Hooray for breathing, Cloud.

    I'm glad that you're breathing easier today. And yes, coming to terms with a toxic work environment, and a big career change, and learning to trust your own instincts and needs. . . that does take a while, doesn't it? Things I'm still working on myself...

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  3. Yes, hooray for breathing! It is easy to take for granted but...necessary. Hope you're doing better.

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